kindofwonderful

Republishing this blog because I don’t think I was ready to do it the first time, lol.

Since it is the end of another year, I’d like to blog about it. Yes, anonymous, a personal blog (finally)! I have to say, 2011 has been a bittersweet year for me. Personally, this year has been - and excuse me for using such an overused, cliche metaphor - an emotional roller coaster. I’m honestly very iffy about posting this blog. In fact, I may just leave it up for a few days before taking it down. We’ll see.

Anyway.

This year started off on a high note. I came back to school for winter quarter with a boyfriend, whom I was - I have to admit - deeply infatuated with, and pure excitement to all this year had to offer. I rushed for a business fraternity, and successfully got the bid. I befriended some hall-mates (thereafter dubbed ‘the boys’), and had the most hilarious lunches/dinners/movie nights ever.

I honestly don’t know when it hit me, but somewhere down the line, it kind of occurred to me that I didn’t like where I was and I didn’t like where I was heading. I dunno. It’s hard to explain how I felt, but it was almost like I was forcing myself to fulfill dutiful social engagements that I didn’t really want to do. What confused me about it, though, was the fact that I wasn’t doing anything different than what I normally did. And it took me a while to come to terms with it because I was quite confused about the whole situation. Wesley was a great distraction from everything because I could have just hung out with him all day and felt completely at ease with myself. I didn’t have to try, I didn’t have to worry; everything just worked with him. And I cannot tell you how grateful I was to have him there.

Another high point worth noting was when I made friends with some people in my classes Spring Quarter. Shout-outs to all my math major peeps! I think some of my most memorable study sessions were with these guys. Seriously felt like a little family by the end of it. I cannot wait to unite with them during my upper div. classes.

I hit another low in the early days of summer. I think it was one of the lowest of times for me. I felt so lonely, I almost did something stupid on more than one occasion. Thankfully, I had Wes and I think this is when he really became my best friend. I don’t believe in God, but if I ever did, I would thank him for sending Wes my way.

There was one night I remember where I was pretty much depressed. I think that’s when it hit me that there was this huge disconnect between who I was and who I thought I was. I really don’t know how to explain it, but that was the gist of what I was feeling. And you know, I would have liked to think of myself as a genuine person. That I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to and that I was an individual, not someone easily swayed by others. And it’s the weirdest thing to think that - for God knows how long - you’ve been putting on an act for the sake of everyone around you. It’s almost surreal. You start to question if the last time you laughed, if you were genuinely happy. Or the last time you had a heart-to-heart with someone, if you were being true. And to ask yourself, who the fuck am I. It was depressing as hell.

It got me down in the dumps for a very long time. But for the rest of my summer, I had time to myself to think. I started this Fall Quarter with high hopes. And I give myself kudos for actually taking a giant stab at life. I was fortunate enough to join ASUCI and was introduced to a window of opportunities and plenty of new, amazing friends. But, because of academics and and ongoing social “uneasiness,” I ended my quarter wanting to tear my eyes out and pull every single strand of hair off my head.

Honestly, I think I’m still trying to build myself up. But I’m extremely hopeful for the new year. 2011 (which I hereby dub, the Year of Tears) was not my year, but perhaps 2012 will be. Fingers crossed, ladies and gentlemen.

By the way, kudos to you for reading my whole sob story.